Get somebody else to do it! It ain't for the weak!
I have recognized that my parenting style has changed throughout the years. Everyone says there isn't a manual for rising children but somehow we all follow one. You know the one, where you do everything like your parents did. Or the one you, learned from your parents mistakes and did things differently. Or it could be the one, you saw on TV of your famous sitcom family. Although there isn't a book for this we have some thing that we knowing or unknowing mimic.
Before I had a teenager I thought I did a pretty awesome job rising the kid. For the first couple years of her life it was just she and I and we made it work. She was too young to know or tell me I did anything wrong so, everything was great, from my perspective. LOL. Honestly, the toughest times didn't even involve rising her per se, it was literally growing up quickly as a young adult, managing life, a newborn, and finishing up my bachelors degree 10 1/2 hours away from family. Nonetheless, it got done!
When she entered the toddler stages and school age I often replicated my upbringing. I knew what worked and didn't work, and I knew how I wanted things to be similar for her. However, the kid wasn't me and it wasn't the 90's. What I was doing wasn't working. But, that's all I knew so I tried to force those same parenting techniques with my child. Unfortunately, I continued to try to force a square peg in a circular insert until she was in the 4th or 5th grade.
Then, I said this stuff isn't working. I need to figure out another way.
I started implementing a multitude of systems such as rewards, checklist, timeouts, removal of items, etc. Some of it worked, some of it didn't. Frustration set in more when trying to talk to my parents. I wanted advice, but honestly they had no idea. I was already doing what they did to raise my brother and I . Ultimately, my child was born in a different generation, with a variety of things, discussions, etc. that my parents did not have to fathom when rising two kids in the mid 80's. Somehow all of that seems like a walk in the park compared to these teenage years.
Now, mind you the kid is good. I often have to remind myself of this. Especially when I get frustrated at some of the choices she makes. But, she is a scholarly student, does well in school, she's kind, always wants to help others, sympathetic, and loving. So, what's the problem, right? Well, she's a sour patch kid, a teenager, and mood swings are real. She's sweet one minute and sour the next minute. But, that's everybody right? I know she isn't the only one. I know all people are like this, all teenagers are like this but baby I still wasn't ready.
What now?
Acknowledging that I can't constantly compare my kid to me or try to parent like my parents was honestly my first step in navigating this teenager. After that part it was being realistic and setting goals, boundaries, and open communication with the hubby. We needed to be on the same page and work together. Afterwards it was owning the fact that the kid is growing up and we have to be willing to give her the opportunity to have a voice within our home. Now, baby this was different. I mean different, different than how we grew up. But, again we had to stop comparing and worrying about how things were when we were growing up. It was important for us to give her voice for many reason. Her having the freedom to talk freely meant that she could build her confidence having tough conversation. It also allowed us the opportunity to have open, honest, and tough conversations with her. Our goal was to make it easy for her to share her concerns with and without prompting. We also hoped this would give her a sense of ownership. She is able to own her feelings, her decisions, her successes, and her mistakes. This part took awhile. It still a work in progress to be honest. We start conversations, reminding her to use her voice and speak freely.
Do you want me to just listen or your want my opinion?
I saw a Tic Tok where a parent stated that she asks her daughter this question. That question has assisted us with plenty of conversations. I always stop her and ask her the question before she continues any story. It gives her power because I honor her request and her voice. I also had to acknowledge that it was ok to have multiple ways to handle situations and hard conversations. It was ok that what used to work doesn't work any more. It's ok to go back to the drawing board. I found out that having designated mommy daughter days and trips were also helpful. It gave us our girls time uninterrupted and it was a great way to bond.
Our Most Recent Mommy Daughter Day
This month we spent some quality time together. We had breakfast at Famous Toastery that was honestly lack luster. I actually had to return my food back due to hair being in the food. This wasn't the start to our mommy daughter day that we were expecting. However, the kid's food was fine so she continued eating and I ordered food from Breakfast Time. Our food was compensated and we were given a gift card of sort to use within 30 days. We never redeemed it. LOL.
I picked up my order and ate in the car. We listened to music, discussed drivers education class, and what she wanted to do for the summer. Afterwards we headed to Gibson Mills. She loved the vibe and the decor. We enjoyed ourselves at the Luck Factory. This place is super cool, you pay a cover charge to get in and play an unlimited number of board games for as long as you like. She ordered snacks and we played a variety of games. We are a competitive family and of course we talked junk along the way. Plus, she cheated! But, we won't get into that. We played games we've played before and tried new games we've never heard of. Overall, we loved this place and want to go back with more friends. Before we left Gibson Mills we had to have a mini photo shoot and grab some ice cream! We enjoyed ice cream from Churn Buddies and walked around the outdoor patio before returning home.
Fearing the Future
At some point I allowed fear of the future to control my parenting. I started thinking my daughter didn't have much time remaining under my roof. Like, where she had no choice but to stay with me until she was 18. I started to wonder if I have prepared her and I got scared that she wasn't prepared I started being harder on her and making things uncomfortable and really not fun for her. I owned my mistakes and turned to God in prayer. I began asking him to lead me and guide. My prayer started changing I wanted God to reassure me that I was rising her with the necessary tools she needed for life. I asked God to show me what I needed to correct in my life to be a better parent. I wanted to be reassured that the life I was living was an example for her to follow. I pleaded for him to be ever present with us as she grows into a young adult. These prayers begin to cause shifts in our household to ensure when she leaves our home whenever she desires that she will walk away with her head held high, faith to walk fearlessly into her next chapter, and the understanding that we are children of the Great I Am and he will never leave us not forsake us.
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